Mom-feelings-forgiveness

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I sit here with a deep feeling of regret. Living my life has not been easy from the birth start, in childhood, or as an adult. But, I am not unique. Sometimes when I sink down, I think I am, but that is part of depression. I have so much to bless God for, and I do! I may not do so enough, but I do thank Him for all He has given me. The most ultimate was to give us Eric to nurture, raise, and most of all, to love. I could never give thanks enough. My wonderful marriage to the most wonderful man is something I cherish so much. I didn't have many examples of what one was to be growing up, but the one I did gave me the basis of foundation for what I have tried to make mine to be.
We are not given a choice of whom we will be born to. Guess many wouldn't be at all if we had..lol....
I wish I could go back & change how things were from the start of my parents, how they were to each other, and especially how they raised their 3 children. If I could, much heartache would be spared. But, I can't. And it is time I throw that part of my life way behind, and cherish the time here now with my Mom. I am losing her. We all think we will have our Mom & Fathers forever, as we don't think of time when they will leave us. When Dad died 25 yr. ago, it was one of those sudden times...here one min. , gone the next. It was also a horrible time for us 3 children. We had a lot of bitterness in us, and he had shouldered us with a big burden. I wish I could go back for a last goodbye. Say alot more than I did, that wasn't full of bitterness and tears. An awesome man told me I DID LOVE MY FATHER, but at the time, I didn't think I did so much. Too late, I didn't get to say it to him.
I am trying now, to make sure I put the past away...and let my Mom know how much she really does mean to me. I want her to know she is loved by me. I want to be able to see her leave this world with no regrets on my part. I know there will be, but I want to change what might have been, to what I want it to be, before it is too late.
As we rode in the car yesterday, we laughed, we argued, and we cried. She told me I was so like her, and I in turn, told her she was so like her mom.......which she had a struggling relationship with. This made us laugh.....we were riding in a worn out frame of mind, and maybe that is what makes us so vulnerable. I don't know. But I have shared over the past few weeks alot of feelings I have stored up in 53 yrs.., and I have also told her how much I love her. Love has finally over-powered how I felt most of my life. I wish I could have let these feelings through sooner. But I am determined to not let go with regrets. She knows her time is limited. She is afraid. Mom doesn't know God...and I have not been a good advocate for Him myself. Right now, I want us both to feel Him in our hearts, accept that He is. I want my Mom to feel His love. To go out of this part of her life with Him. It scares me about this so much. I am not a witness to Him, as I have not totally been His child either. I know this is something I first must do, then I can be what I should be to her.
I want to show her how much I do love her, and to make her laugh now, more than cry or be afraid. I ask to be helped in this from our Father. I ask to honor my mother. I do pray I can do this.

Momma, I do love you! I always have.

Do I dare ask again? I'm scared!

I wonder what people do who have worked at the same place for years & years, then suddenly told they are gone? It must be devastating to them! For years, I didn't care to change the pace with something new, but as time has passed, it has got me more settled. I have worked when I am 4 yrs...but come 2 days...I will join the line of unemployed. Scares me to death!! Never did I think I would have these feelings, this insecurity, helpless feeling. I don't know where to start now. Especially in a huge college town!!! To say this has helped my over all health issue of depression is an understatement!! Then toss in what I know is menopausal symptoms...geez....just would someone throw me a life-line!!!
I pray. But to ask for something for me is hard. Even with asking God. I never care to ask Him to help others, to be there for others. But to ask Him for me...is very hard. Some have told me it is due to low - esteem. That I don't feel I deserve it personally. Not sure. Maybe.
But.....I do ask others for prayers and that makes me feel better. So, if you are reading....just throw one out there for me...I know I ask that alot. Many others are worse than I am. Just ask that He show me where it is I am to go from here. All I really need.

We finally meet!!!

Can you imagine meeting someone but never actually meeting them???

Over ten years ago, in a Kentucky Wildcat fan club, a conversation was started between myself and a lady in Paducah. We discussed the team, the coach, and one thing let to another til we swapped emails. We started emailing back & forth once or twice a week, sharing our lives, children, and their lives, then Libby's girls' marriages, and now 3 grandchildren. Larry & my son's high school years, our exchange student from Brazil, Eric's marriage. We have prayed together, cried together, laughed a ton of laughs together. Shared recipes, game problems, maybe even a little politics. I feel as though she is like a sister.

Last night, we met for the first time face to face.

She drove up to visit with her daughter in Franklin Co. and grandchildren, and wanted to know if we could finally get together. I didn't meet a stranger at the back door! Her & Jacob walked in and it was like we had always been face to face. We had dinner. I am not a cook, they found out...TG for Kroger!! lol....but Val, (her daughter) (Samantha & Jacob)grandchildren & Libby sat at our table, prayed, and we had the laughs!!

I wish everyone could find a person like Libby is. What a find for a friendship. Larry & I can't wait to meet Don, her husband. It will be like we have known each other for years!!

Isn't God good! I thank Him for this wonderful friend and her awesome family coming into my life.

Finally Meeting an Old Friend!!!

Tomorrow night I meet Libby! I am soooo excited. We have been friends for years!! Been through her 2 girls school, marriages, birth of her grandchildren. But, we have never met face to face!! Honest! We have shared so much, feel we know each like we have met. Isn't it funny how things like that happen in your life? You never know why God brought someone to you like this. At least I don't know yet. Maybe I won't ever know completely why, but do know I am happy for it!! We met on the internet!! No, not a love interest....hahahaha....looking for friendship....I am not even sure I remember how we met!!! Will ask her tomorrow night then share that again!. All I know is that she is in Frankfort, and will come eat dinner with me tomorrow along with her daughter and 2 grandchildren. All 3 of them I feel I know already! I hope I don't disappoint her in meeting me! Goodness....it has been well over 10 yrs!!! We lived in Smiths Grove. Once, Larry & I went to Paducah, and we tried to contact Libby & Don. It didn't work out. I remember being so disappointed. But, it was not to be. Tomorrow it is!!! I'll share that moment in time when it happens...and hope to remember to get the camera & take a couple pics!!
Yep, I have a tummy ache, nerves from school, the prospect of the unknown from being laid off....but the ache is not from getting to meet my dear friend! I just hope I feel better!! Isn't life wonderful!????!!???? YOU BET IT IS!

God & calories....

I don't think I will ever understand why God chose to make us able to ''get fat!'' I mean I understand that calorie intake is valuable as a newborn/infant/toddler/child....maybe teen....even woman while pregnant...but come on..........why continue with this after age 40 if you aren't going to have children? And for me...well, I can't write about that part...as it is only affecting me and I am sad about ME! (no meaness meant)
Heck, I hit 50 and whammo....became a balloon about to burst. I know my metabalism has slown down, but didn't HE think about that when he made us?
Now, don't get me wrong here, I am not critizing God, just wondering why things weren't thought through a little bit more.

Ah...food is good for the soul, the body, and there is the people out there with this awesome ability to make it LOOK GOOD, TASTE GOOD, JUST GOOD!!...but let me even breath a little and it adds at minimum, 3-5 lbs.
I guess someone will say it is the temptations of the devil...but I have never thought the devil to be that smart!

Just my morning pet peeve after I stepped on the scales and they kept saying, ''ERR''.....lol......

So Lord, if you would just listen to me a sec...I could tell you a couple things about this calorie stuff and maybe you would reconsider????

Love You God,
Vicki

WINTER SNOW/ICE-JABBER

oh how happy I am...the electric is back.....wow!! You seem to forget like labor...about all this....I mean...we know it is going to hurt...but we go through it again ...doesn't make sense what I am writing....I know...cause I am still delirious on having this all up and going again.

I can honestly........I mean HONESTLY...1000 % say I am not, nor will I ever be, a winter lover! I despice it sooo badly. I actually start dreading it in Oct. and can't enjoy the fall as much!! There is really only one other thing I hate so badly....as I do winter. I won't go there goes it will just get me started!! haha..

Even when I was a little girl, I hated snow. Guess cause I was always wanting to be outside....I loved climbing trees....going up as far as I could to see ''the world'' and a couple times, been taken out of the tree by fire truck and many times with ''switch threats''....
I am the person who would climb to the top of the barn to house tobacco, climb them trees as high as I could...and today I am scared, PETRIFIED...of flying. I do believe it is cause I lost a very good neighbor childhood friend in college due to a plane crash...I had taken her to the airport in B.G. to catch a small engine plane, and found out the next morning she had crashed into side of mountain! She had begged me to ride and I had actually told my mom that I was going to. That is how I found out...she called frantic to find something out. The TV had announced an unidentified body in the plane and mother couldn't reach me. That traumatized me alot.

well, enough.....

so, what was your winter storm 09 like? do you think this will be our last this year? I don't.....I believe in the old farmer's almanac...and it predicts the worst is yet to come! Hasn't failed me enough to not believe!

I think I will venture out....take a walk around the yard at least...got alot of trees down and damage in back. Will be alot of fireword to season for next winter, rain spouts to put back up and UK FLAGS TO THAW OUT! eh......

Don't Laugh @ Me

Ok...my last post was about how music affects me and this was shared with me this morning from a very dear friend. I had to post it to share and to keep.

Music always makes me see something new in each day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3_JvChXL7o

I used to never think alot about the music I listen to unless it was the ear-splittin crap I call ''not music!''...lol....but as I have put together my playlist, I have come to realize just how much a romantic I am!
Most all of it is love songs in one way or another...and ones I have said to Larry over time....''this is how I feel,hon..." or had him say it back...ones we have danced to, smiled across the room and said...this ones for you.
Have always said I love old rock n roll, and some of that is there, but even that is ''romantic'' in its way too....
I put songs on that trigger certain things in my past life, that have in one way or another influenced it, if just in a small way....but left a ''life impression''....know what I mean??!!
Tammy.....(Debbie Reynolds)... was a song I sang over & over as a child, guess cause I loved that show it came out on....another is by the Carpenters..."Close To You''...it is a song I remember playing on my turn-table over & over, (anyone know what that is, lol) and putting Steve, my ''baby'' brother on my feet dancing around with...that was ''my song'' to him....he was like my baby when he was little. I remember singing it to him....he was so beautiful & I remember his little boy laugh!
A couple others are in there that hold a special moment in time for me....no real logical reason, just how they make me feel inside. Isn't that really what music is...how is makes you feel? It is to me.
I listen to what is there and laugh at myself, for to some, I guess, it makes me look strange, the mixture of the different kinds....but it is who I am...where I have come from, and possibly where I am going. Music brings things to life inside for me....things from the past, that were fun, sad, romantic....
Hard to explain, and even harder when Eric was a teen, listening to his ''music'' and me having to remember these thoughts above!! lol...
I wonder if ''Slipknot'' will give him the kind of memories I have???? HAHAHA...

Sunday, Sunday....

Brr....it is a cold, rainy Sunday....the kind my granny used to so dread. She always said that Sunday's like this were the worst for her. I take after her in so many ways. Well, not sure I take after, as much as I do alot of things or think along her lines of life. I love listening to the ''night sounds'' she always called them. The crickets, the wind, rustling of the leaves, the car way down the road. So many different sounds when the world is winding down for sleep. Then she always awoke when she worked, very early. I remember walking with her, hearing the sounds of the early morning, the smells of the earth, even breakfast cooking from an open window. Even in the town she lived in back then, you would hear a rooster crow in the morning. People slept with windows open and doors wide, to let in any breeze that might come. Very few had air inside.
But, when she got older, and I got older, she said no one came to visit as much. She loved to have someone close to her all the time....well, we all do. She loved to talk to you and also she would listen to you. Never mattered to her what was said, just as long as there was someone there to just converse with.
I never go through a Sunday such as this without thinking of my precious Gran....I miss her so much, and am glad when someone reminds me I am like her! Guess that is why I love the outdoors so much!
Good Sunday to all. Thx for stopping by.

Learning to get my HANDLES ON!

Since I love writing and it is a way I not only express myself but a stress reliever for me, I wanted to do this. Got alot to learn, but learning is what keeps me going and something I have never grown tired of doing.

My life is sometimes complicated. Most by my own doing, sometimes just by life itself. I enjoy it, I cherish every moment, but sometimes I let it overwhelm me. Hopefully, by blogging, I can continue to enjoy writing and also learn something more about my inner self.

If you stop in and share these moments in time with me, please let me know you were here. Just a little "Hi, hope your day is good." or whatever you wish....knowing someone took a moment of their time to speak, is always wonderful.