I sit here with a deep feeling of regret. Living my life has not been easy from the birth start, in childhood, or as an adult. But, I am not unique. Sometimes when I sink down, I think I am, but that is part of depression. I have so much to bless God for, and I do! I may not do so enough, but I do thank Him for all He has given me. The most ultimate was to give us Eric to nurture, raise, and most of all, to love. I could never give thanks enough. My wonderful marriage to the most wonderful man is something I cherish so much. I didn't have many examples of what one was to be growing up, but the one I did gave me the basis of foundation for what I have tried to make mine to be.
We are not given a choice of whom we will be born to. Guess many wouldn't be at all if we had..lol....
I wish I could go back & change how things were from the start of my parents, how they were to each other, and especially how they raised their 3 children. If I could, much heartache would be spared. But, I can't. And it is time I throw that part of my life way behind, and cherish the time here now with my Mom. I am losing her. We all think we will have our Mom & Fathers forever, as we don't think of time when they will leave us. When Dad died 25 yr. ago, it was one of those sudden times...here one min. , gone the next. It was also a horrible time for us 3 children. We had a lot of bitterness in us, and he had shouldered us with a big burden. I wish I could go back for a last goodbye. Say alot more than I did, that wasn't full of bitterness and tears. An awesome man told me I DID LOVE MY FATHER, but at the time, I didn't think I did so much. Too late, I didn't get to say it to him.
I am trying now, to make sure I put the past away...and let my Mom know how much she really does mean to me. I want her to know she is loved by me. I want to be able to see her leave this world with no regrets on my part. I know there will be, but I want to change what might have been, to what I want it to be, before it is too late.
As we rode in the car yesterday, we laughed, we argued, and we cried. She told me I was so like her, and I in turn, told her she was so like her mom.......which she had a struggling relationship with. This made us laugh.....we were riding in a worn out frame of mind, and maybe that is what makes us so vulnerable. I don't know. But I have shared over the past few weeks alot of feelings I have stored up in 53 yrs.., and I have also told her how much I love her. Love has finally over-powered how I felt most of my life. I wish I could have let these feelings through sooner. But I am determined to not let go with regrets. She knows her time is limited. She is afraid. Mom doesn't know God...and I have not been a good advocate for Him myself. Right now, I want us both to feel Him in our hearts, accept that He is. I want my Mom to feel His love. To go out of this part of her life with Him. It scares me about this so much. I am not a witness to Him, as I have not totally been His child either. I know this is something I first must do, then I can be what I should be to her.
I want to show her how much I do love her, and to make her laugh now, more than cry or be afraid. I ask to be helped in this from our Father. I ask to honor my mother. I do pray I can do this.
Momma, I do love you! I always have.
We are not given a choice of whom we will be born to. Guess many wouldn't be at all if we had..lol....
I wish I could go back & change how things were from the start of my parents, how they were to each other, and especially how they raised their 3 children. If I could, much heartache would be spared. But, I can't. And it is time I throw that part of my life way behind, and cherish the time here now with my Mom. I am losing her. We all think we will have our Mom & Fathers forever, as we don't think of time when they will leave us. When Dad died 25 yr. ago, it was one of those sudden times...here one min. , gone the next. It was also a horrible time for us 3 children. We had a lot of bitterness in us, and he had shouldered us with a big burden. I wish I could go back for a last goodbye. Say alot more than I did, that wasn't full of bitterness and tears. An awesome man told me I DID LOVE MY FATHER, but at the time, I didn't think I did so much. Too late, I didn't get to say it to him.
I am trying now, to make sure I put the past away...and let my Mom know how much she really does mean to me. I want her to know she is loved by me. I want to be able to see her leave this world with no regrets on my part. I know there will be, but I want to change what might have been, to what I want it to be, before it is too late.
As we rode in the car yesterday, we laughed, we argued, and we cried. She told me I was so like her, and I in turn, told her she was so like her mom.......which she had a struggling relationship with. This made us laugh.....we were riding in a worn out frame of mind, and maybe that is what makes us so vulnerable. I don't know. But I have shared over the past few weeks alot of feelings I have stored up in 53 yrs.., and I have also told her how much I love her. Love has finally over-powered how I felt most of my life. I wish I could have let these feelings through sooner. But I am determined to not let go with regrets. She knows her time is limited. She is afraid. Mom doesn't know God...and I have not been a good advocate for Him myself. Right now, I want us both to feel Him in our hearts, accept that He is. I want my Mom to feel His love. To go out of this part of her life with Him. It scares me about this so much. I am not a witness to Him, as I have not totally been His child either. I know this is something I first must do, then I can be what I should be to her.
I want to show her how much I do love her, and to make her laugh now, more than cry or be afraid. I ask to be helped in this from our Father. I ask to honor my mother. I do pray I can do this.
Momma, I do love you! I always have.
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