IT IS JUST ME.........

I don't know if there is a new me or not....how would I know? I know I don't like me today. Or...I guess not my feelings. For days...I cry at the drop of a hat...not just cry....but extreme outburst of sobs.....no clue for sure. I am ''homesick'' for the feeling of being really @ home...like back in the country. I have lived here all this time, but...I don't feel like it is home. I still know no one...don't socialize with anyone. There are no girl get togethers, no bunco's...no "lets meet up & go to the movies" friends. Is it me? I am beginning to wonder what I must be like to be seen from others. Larry says I must get out more. Well, I do...but it isn't fun to do alone.
I do love working in Zija. I love helping all the people I help in feeling better, starting their own home business to earn money to help their situations & dreams come true. But, it isn't enough. I don't care how much money you might make, not having the ability to really share with someone is nothing. Oh....Larry would say different..haha...yes...I have my honey!! He is my life, and I know I make him wonder why he sticks around many times, too much times!! Depression is a disease they say. I take meds...I hate them....but I know I have to take them. It's a disease that is inherited. My father suffered from it. I do pray I don't pass this to my son!! Ok...well, I am done. A self pity party is not good. I hate it....I just can't stop this.

I WANT TO GO HOME!!! I WANT TO WALK IN A STORE & BE ABLE TO KNOW THE PEOPLE I WALK THE AISLES WITH, TO TALK TO THEM, HOW THEY ARE...ETC.....I WANT TO DRIVE DOWN THE STREET & GET A WAVE INSTEAD OF THE HORN OR WORSE...THE FINGER!!! I WANT TO TALK EVENING WALKS...PASS PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING THE SAME & KNOW THEM!!!! I AM SOOOO LONELY!!! I AM SOOOO LONELY!!! I SAY IT OVER & OVER BECAUSE I HOPE SOMEHOW IT WILL CHANGE. IT NEVER DOES!
BEING LIKE THIS BY WANTING THIS IS WHAT I AM ...WHO I AM...I HAVE TO BE WITH PEOPLE I KNOW....I CARE ABOUT....DO THINGS WITH.....IS THAT SO BAD??? IT IS JUST ME!!! ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

THE BEST BIG NEWS!!!

WOW...I AM GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER!! JAIME & ERIC SURPRISED ME TOTALLY WITH THIS NEWS 2 DAYS AGO,(APRIL 26), AND I DON'T THINK I HAVE THOUGHT OF MUCH ELSE!!! SO HARD FOR ME TO REALIZE MY BABY IS GOING TO REALLY BE A FATHER HIMSELF. NOW COMES THE TIMES AGAIN, WHEN YOU WONDER IF YOU TAUGHT HIM WELL ENOUGH TO BE A PARENT ALSO. BUT, TOO LATE NOW, AND CAN ONLY PRAY THAT IT WILL BE THE BEST THING EVER BESIDES JAIME. THEY ARE AN AWESOME COUPLE, YOU SEE THE LOVE FOR EACH OTHER FROM THEM BOTH.

JAIME BROUGHT HOME THE FIRST SONOGRAM OF THEIR CHILD. IT IS JUST A TINY 4MM BLOB..LOL..ONLY WAY I CAN SAY IT. BUT, SOMEHOW....MY HEART IS NOW THIS TINY BEING'S. I HAVE GIVEN IT UP TO THIS CHILD AS I DID WHEN I WAS PREGNANT 31 YRS. AGO. HOW DO I DESCRIBE THIS LOVE? IT IS JUST INTENSE!! ALREADY YOU ARE SO LOVED BY US ALL. YESTERDAY, ALTHOUGH I PROMISED I WOULDN''T BUY ANYTHING YET, I DID LOOK! I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR A WHILE, BUT USUALLY WITH COLTON OR SOMEONE OTHER THAN FAMILY WHO IS HAVING A BABY. COLTON IS GOING TO BE SO FAR & I SO WANTED HIM & ERIC'S CHILD TO GROW UP CLOSE. MAYBE THAT WILL HAPPEN SOMEDAY. I KNEW THE MOMENT I HELD COLTON HE WAS MY SPECIAL BABY, TOO....HE HAS MY HEART AND SOUL, JUST AS THIS ONE HAS.

I ASKED THE OTHER NIGHT WAS IT POSSIBLE TO ALREADY LOVE SO DEEPLY, AND MANY GRANDMOTHERS ALREADY WROTE ME BACK, ALL SAYING THAT YES, IT IS MOST POSSIBLE. I DO LOVE THIS BABY, AND IT CAN'T GET HERE SOON ENOUGH!!! WHAT A WONDERFUL NEW LIFE WE ARE ALL GOING TO HAVE.

MY PRAYER IS TO ERIC & JAIME. AT TIMES IT WILL BE ROUGH. BEING SO TIRED, WORRYING WHEN IT IS SICK. OTHER WORRIES THAT COME. BUT YOU WOULDN'T CHANGE IT. ONCE YOU LAY EYES ON THS NEW LIFE, YOUR LIFE BECOMES THEIRS. FOR JAY....IT WILL PROBABLY BE ON FIRST MOVEMENT. I KNOW YOU BOTH ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE, AND YOU SHOW YOUR LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY TO YOURSELVES, AND TO OTHERS. I DONT' FOR A SECOND DOUBT THE LOVE YOU WILL HAVE FOR YOUR BABY. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEW MEMORY MAKING MOMENTS THAT ARE TO COME, AND I THANK YOU FOR THIS NEW ADVENTURE IN MY LIFE.

WOW!!

Not just another Sunday

EACH NIGHT AS I LAY DOWN TO SLEEP,
I PRAY, DEAR LORD
IF YOU TAKE ME TONIGHT,
WOULD ANY OF MY FAMILY WEEP?

DOES IT MATTER THAT I LOVE YOU? DOES IT MATTER THAT I CARE?

CAN YOU RELIEVE MY HEART AT ALL?
CAN YOU EVEN GIVE ME A CALL?

AS I WOKE THIS MORNING
I TRULY WONDERED IF TODAY WOULD BE DIFFERENT
WOULD STEVE OR TOM, OR EVEN MOM
THINK OF ME TODAY, WANT TO HEAR THEIR DAUGHTER
OR SISTER?

YOU KNOW FAMILY........YOU WIN.

I DO CARE. I DO WANT.
DOES IT MATTER?
NOW IT IS UP TO YOU
WILL YOU SHOW ME THAT I MATTER?

I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE OF THE TEARS
I SAVE THEM FOR THE TIMES I AM NOT NEAR
BUT BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY
THEY ARE SOMETHING I CAN'T KEEP AT BAY

DOES IT MATTER AT ALL
THAT IN MY HEART
I CARE FOR YOU ALL

JUST MY PERSONAL SUNDAY MORNING THOUGHTS
I HOPE YOU GIVE IT SOME REASONABLE THOUGHT


I WOULD TAKE IT IF I COULD
TO MAKE THE CLOCK GO BACK
TO A DAY WHEN IT WOULD
MATTER TO YOU IF I CAME BY
JUST TO SAY I LOVE YA, & HI