I don't know if there is a new me or not....how would I know? I know I don't like me today. Or...I guess not my feelings. For days...I cry at the drop of a hat...not just cry....but extreme outburst of sobs.....no clue for sure. I am ''homesick'' for the feeling of being really @ home...like back in the country. I have lived here all this time, but...I don't feel like it is home. I still know no one...don't socialize with anyone. There are no girl get togethers, no bunco's...no "lets meet up & go to the movies" friends. Is it me? I am beginning to wonder what I must be like to be seen from others. Larry says I must get out more. Well, I do...but it isn't fun to do alone.
I do love working in Zija. I love helping all the people I help in feeling better, starting their own home business to earn money to help their situations & dreams come true. But, it isn't enough. I don't care how much money you might make, not having the ability to really share with someone is nothing. Oh....Larry would say different..haha...yes...I have my honey!! He is my life, and I know I make him wonder why he sticks around many times, too much times!! Depression is a disease they say. I take meds...I hate them....but I know I have to take them. It's a disease that is inherited. My father suffered from it. I do pray I don't pass this to my son!! Ok...well, I am done. A self pity party is not good. I hate it....I just can't stop this.
I WANT TO GO HOME!!! I WANT TO WALK IN A STORE & BE ABLE TO KNOW THE PEOPLE I WALK THE AISLES WITH, TO TALK TO THEM, HOW THEY ARE...ETC.....I WANT TO DRIVE DOWN THE STREET & GET A WAVE INSTEAD OF THE HORN OR WORSE...THE FINGER!!! I WANT TO TALK EVENING WALKS...PASS PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING THE SAME & KNOW THEM!!!! I AM SOOOO LONELY!!! I AM SOOOO LONELY!!! I SAY IT OVER & OVER BECAUSE I HOPE SOMEHOW IT WILL CHANGE. IT NEVER DOES!
BEING LIKE THIS BY WANTING THIS IS WHAT I AM ...WHO I AM...I HAVE TO BE WITH PEOPLE I KNOW....I CARE ABOUT....DO THINGS WITH.....IS THAT SO BAD??? IT IS JUST ME!!! ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
